WASTING THE GOOD SURPRISE
October came and went and unfortunately, spooky season ended without the leak of Lady G's sex tape. In the end, the biggest October Surprise was your favorite President catching his hoax of a virus. DJT could have died if it wasn’t thanks to his team of doctors, multiple experimental therapies and a healthy dose of STEROIDS. Thankfully after a short stay at Walter Reed Hospital, Trump was back and better than ever.
Trump is a savvy deal maker and media manipulator. One the best! Yet for some reason, the President’s advisors somehow dissuaded him from pretending to be frail upon exiting the hospital, only to then triumphantly tear open his shirt revealing the Superman logo.
It is a shame that a potential negative reaction from the lamestream media disallowed what could have been one of the most electric moments in sports entertainment ehh presidential history.
Thanks, Obama!
MOVING ON UP
As we enter November there is one thing that has been on my mind … MOVING.
My family recently grew tired of living like digital nomads, irl. Attempting to find our dream home was complicated by limited housing stock in the Northeast due to COVID-19 related de-urbanization and the rise of remote work.
Leading to the only logical decision:
No not Canada.
WE ARE TAKING OUR TALENTS TO SOUTH BEACH
Why do 1000 people move to Florida daily?
Maybe it is the warm weather, small bathing suits, plentiful golf courses, or the ability to gamble on jai alai while watching greyhound races?
Could it be the tax savings?
You have likely received one or many text messages making you aware that there is an election in a few days and that it is imperative that you vote? No? What about a robocall telling you your car warranty is dangerously low?
Not to get partisan but are you aware of Sleepy Joe’s tax plan? Like you, I have only heard soundbites and read headlines and that limited information appears disastrous. The potential tax increase is so big and beautiful it could devalue 50 Cent to less than a quarter and drive Lil Pump to downgrade from high test to 87 octane.
The do-nothing-democrats tax plan is just the tip of the iceberg. You need to be aware of all the other uncertainty and potential scandals that can and will occur, making you long for Hunter’s missing emails. Things like Biden working with Adam Silver on a new full-season NBA court-packing plan, AOC+3 expanded squad planning a socialist take over of your suburb. There is also a high likelihood that Kamala will go door to door to scold you for leaving the refrigerator door open for just a little bit too long.
Whoa, that is a lot to process.
Yes, your fears are likely unfounded yet you still have the right to panic. For just a second, let’s put the liberal agenda aside and refocus on the topic at hand.
Why would anyone want to move to Miami?
Isn’t climate change going to destroy the city? The short and likely incorrect answer is NO climate change will not destroy Miami. According to multiple FAKE NEWS sources on climate change including The Power Line, the same source that informed you BP couldn’t prevent the Deepwater Horizon blow out because the seafloor was dangerously unlubricated.
TO A DELUXE APARTMENT IN THE SKY
As the average global temperature increases, the sea level is projected to rise more than one foot by 2045, which would put a fifth of Miami underwater at high tide. Meaning you are more likely to have a beachfront condo if you can afford it or not. Talk about a smart real estate strategy!
The real reason to move to Miami: Winter Is Coming.
When potential further lockdowns are needed in order to stop the next wave of COVID-19. What are you going to do when you can’t leave your home?
Peloton bikes are on multi-month backorder, you have watched all of Netflix, and with the election over what are you going to spend your time freaking out over?
More importantly, how are you going to spend all winter inside? It was apparent back in March that you hate your family.
Honestly, there is only one thing to do: don a hazmat suit, get on a plane and migrate south along with 999 of your newest neighbors.
WE FINALLY GOT A PIECE OF THE PIECE
If you made it this far it is worth reminding you that this Tuesday is election day, so don’t forget to VOTE! Especially if you now live in a swing state that bungled the 2000 election.
Be aware if Trump moves out of the White House, you know what state he is likely heading to? Hint: water costs $3 there and it may be federally funded.