RATLINKS: Neon Lights and Mountain Nights
THE JUXTAPOSITION OF NATIONAL PARKS AND CONSUMERISM OR: HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE THE TOURIST TRAP
I've gone to look for America
College is expensive, really really expensive but that is not new news. Most four-year private educations can cost north of a quarter million dollars.
Paying for college can be tough:
Do you work multiple jobs while you study?
Saddle yourself with non-dischargeable debt?
Maybe your parents can afford it?
Whatever you do to pay for it, one thing is clear you shouldn’t waste a minute.
Higher education should be a time of learning: about yourself, learning how to learn, and building enough worldly wisdom to be on your way toward a lucrative career and a fulfilling life.
My wife fully understood the assignment, earning a bachelors degree in American Studies from a Jesuit school outside of Boston.
What do you do with such a degree?
You study the greatest experiment known to man, AMERICA!
As a life long learner, she embarked on some continuing education and I was just happy to come along.
Commercialism wrapped in Southern charm
Our tour began in Asheville, North Carolina visiting the Biltmore, a mansion built by the Vanderbilts that served as the fictional home of Richie Rich.
A short drive over the Blue Ridge Parkway leads to The Great Smoky Mountains, the most visited of our 63 National Parks. Anyone studying this country knows that National Parks are America’s best idea.
One can spend days traversing the Great Smoky Mountains, but for some, the Smokys are just an excuse to visit Pigeon Forge, TN, the most American City in the lower 48.
The best way to describe Pigeon Forge is if you took America and blended it down to its purest form and freebased it you would be left with Pigeon Forge.
We're riding high on Pigeon thrills
The main drag in Pigeon Forge is called The Parkway, which features restaurants similar to almost any highway in America while simultaneously featuring attractions like no other road in America.
A strip that serves up both all-American fare and attractions so outlandish they make Las Vegas look understated.
Welcome to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee - a slice of Americana so pure, it inspired me to write the song Neon Lights and Mountain Nights.
In this Smoky Mountain town where kitsch is king of the road
The entire town can be defined as a “Tourist Trap.” A kitschy kingdom operating on a brilliant blueprint that's part Disney World, part psych experiment.
First, they've got you cornered. Once you're in Pigeon Forge, you're not exactly popping over to the next town for dinner. It's a bit like being stuck in the world's most cheerful mousetrap—except you're paying for the cheese.
The magic of extreme consumerism is simple they're not selling you stuff; they're selling you memories. That photo of you and the kids with a guy in a questionable Bigfoot costume? Priceless. The salt-and-pepper shaker shaped like mini-moonshine jugs? A steal at $15.99. See, when you're buying experiences, your wallet's grip gets a little looser. After all, how do you put a price tag on family fun? Throw in a few outrageously priced items—hello, a $250 VIP package at the Hatfield and McCoy dinner feud—and suddenly $50 for the regular seats seems downright reasonable.
Now, you might be thinking, "I'm too smart to fall for that!" Heck, you might be but for most people, they are “on vacation.” The sunk cost fallacy states that you've already spent a small fortune just getting here, what's another $50 for the kids to pet baby goats? It's all part of the experience, right?
Meanwhile, the town itself is laughing all the way to the bank. These tourist traps are job-creating tax-generating machines. The local government is happier than a pig in shit, which means they're all too eager to keep this glittery gravy train rolling.
Rollin' down the Parkway, neon signs ablaze
At the most northernmost part sits Buc-ee’s the largest gas station in America chonking in at 74,000 square feet, unfortunately, if you do not get this Buc-ee’s soon, it will no longer be the largest, as a larger Buc-ee’s is opening in Luling, Texas in the coming weeks.
Heading southbound you see a giant boat on the side of the road which is none other than the ill-fated Titanic museum colliding with an iceberg, because nothing says "family fun" quite like a replica of history's most famous maritime disaster, right?
The Titanic Museum is full of rare artifacts like deck chairs and fine china worth a visit if you find yourself in Pigeon Forge. It is also pretty educational unlike the average experience masquerading as a “museum”. I beg you do not go to the balloon museum expecting to learn about balloons.
Right down the street is the Hollywood Wax Museum or a giant monkey’s butt depending on which direction you are driving.
Outlet malls and wax museums, it's a shoppers' paradise
Any seasoned tourist knows the best places are the ones off the beaten track, thats where you will often find the local-only spots. However, with limited time on vacation, it can be a big risk to take the road less traveled. Every once in a while you are hit pay dirt and find a place that has everything.
THE SHOPS AT PIGEON FORGE
Before arrival, you are first greeted by The World HQ of the Micro Wrestling Federation and the Microtorium.
The Shops at Pigeon Forge sits across the street and contains one of the most interesting collections of stores anywhere in the known universe.
Anchored by Cooters, one of the nation’s three Dukes of Hazard museums.
You turn around and spy three other worldly shops - Hut Tubs Etc, AMMO, and Tobias Uniques.
In the corner sits the ever-popular We The People - The Donald Trump Store. A store stocked with anything and everything a trump aficionado could want. However, the store was not doing well. Racks were empty due to a sharp decline in Let’s Go Brandon merchandise after Joe Biden's exit. In its place were photo shirts with Trump after his assassination attempt with the words FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT emblazed below. I wondered to no one who the target audience for this shirt is? Then I proceeded to see no less than 5 people wearing the shirt including one person on my return flight.
The rest of the shopping center is a 10 out of 10. NO NOTES just go.
Escape Games
EXO_RENT a dune buggy rental
Axe Throwing
Bible Museum
A tattoo shop - a site that was more plentiful than churches
Red Skelton Theater - Home of the Number 1 Comedy show in Pigeon Forge
Welcome to Pigeon Forge, folks—a pancake-scented fever dream that's equal parts Las Vegas, Dollywood, and one of capitalism’s wildest experiments.
Please enjoy my new song “Neon Lights and Mountain Nights” and if you like it please check out my soundcloud. Yes we have come to promoting aSoundCloud.