RATLINKS: MAY DAY MAY DAY
Baby, when you finally get to love somebody. Guess what?
Welcome back readers and happy May Day to our European readers, enjoy your long weekend.
Wondering why don’t get an extra day off?
Thank the strict Puritans of New England who considered the celebrations of May Day to be licentious and pagan, so they forbade its observance, and the springtime holiday never became an important part of American culture as it was in many European countries.
Jokes on them! Thanks to remote work you can enjoy this edition on company time.
This month’s edition features two pieces:
Childhood Movie Review 👍👍
🚨 New Holiday Alert 🚨
CASH THAT CHECK
There are a lot of classic movies that still hold up, films like The Godfather, Die Hard, or Jurrasic Park. There are some classic movies that are barely watchable today and then there are classic movies that could never be made today.
The 1994 film Blank Check checks all those boxes and more.
The Chicago Tribune raved with its contrived plot, its MTV inspired montages and its blatant shilling for products, it is film as hard sell, and it comes with a decidedly suspect warranty. Its mercantile instincts are so primary it looks like an infomercial. [It] is a scary sign that Hollywood's sensibilities are so out of whack there is no ethical bedrock left. Seeing a movie is a voluntary act. If it weren't, "Blank Check" would qualify as child abuse. Blank Check: No stars.1
The New York Times cheered it's a movie that no parents in their right minds should let children see. In some corners of the globe, this film may also be enough to foment revolution.2
Enjoy this Ratlinks Review instead of spending ninety minutes destroying pleasant childhood memories.
Preston Waters, 11, is handed a blank check by an ex-con named Quigly after he accidentally runs over Preston’s bicycle. Preston like any enterprising eleven-year commits check fraud writing the check for a million dollars payable to cash.
Preston then commits bank fraud when he successfully cashes the million-dollar check. This is possible because the crooked bank president accidentally mistakes Preston as an associate of the ex-con, thus entrusting Preston, an eleven-year-old, with one million dollars of freshly laundered cash.
Next, like any newly rich eleven-year-old, Preston creates a fake persona known as Mr. Macintosh and begins to spend the stolen money starting with the purchase of a mansion.
Quick side bar for the inflation fans out there:
$1,000,000 in 1994 is equivalent in purchasing power to about $1,939,973.01 in 2022 dollars, an increase of $939,973.01 over 28 years. The dollar had an average inflation rate of 2.39% per year between 1994 and today, producing a cumulative price increase of 94%.
Moving out of your childhood bedroom and into a new mansion can be lonely. Preston solves that problem by hiring a butler named Henry. Together they enjoy multiple nuevo rich fantasy montages of mostly Preston doing rich kid stuff like riding his personal waterslide and two different montages of Henry and Preston boxing, one in sumo suits.
When Shay, a female undercover FBI agent posing as a bank teller shows up at Mr. Macintosh’s mansion, Preston greets her poolside. He chats her up about opening a savings account with $200 from his grandma, blissfully unaware that she is there to investigate the missing million dollars.
If Preston would have invested the $200 his grandmother gave him in Apple’s stock in 1994 he would have returned at least 475 times his money equalling roughly $95,000 today.
Had Mr. Macintosh gone full yolo in Apple with his million, the investment would be worth half a billion today and thats not including the $18 million in dividends collected.
When asked what Preston is doing in a strange man’s house with no parental supervision, Preston qualifies that he an 11-year-old boy is tasked to handle Mr. Macintosh’s financial affairs. Shockingly this impresses Shay so much that the two end up going on a date where things end up being more than strictly business.
Preston then throws a birthday party for himself and Mr. Macintosh, that costs at least $40,000. Preston’s dad briefly shows up at Preston’s mansion, maybe because he is worried where his eleven-year-old son had been for days but most likely Preston’s Dad came to party.
Realizing that he only has $366 left Preston becomes saddened. Maybe the emptiness he feels is because material possessions did not bring him happiness, likely he is sad because he realizes he is the opposite of rich.
Is it not a bit impressive for an 11 year old to spend one million dollars in six days when no drugs were involved?
Eventually, the FBI shows up at the mansion to arrest Mr. Macintosh for his financial crimes. There the feds find the ex-con Quigly posing as Mr. Macintosh and instead charge him with all of Preston’s crimes. The now broke Preston abandons his mansion and is forced to head back to his childhood bedroom to live with his parents like a common 6th grader.
Ratlinks Rating: One Thumb Sideways
BLANK CHECK or BLANK CHEQUE as it is known to those celebrating May Day is streaming on Disney- “Disney Minus for movies no one is really sure about.”
DANCING AROUND THE BONFIRE
Tired of fake Instagram holidays like National Pretzel Day (4/26/2022)?
Frustrated that you just found out about May Day?
Are you looking for a new holiday to celebrate?
Look no further than Lag Ba’Omer (5/18/22), a timeless Jewish holiday and one that people of any faith can celebrate. Lag Ba’omer is a sort of cheat day known celebrated with bonfires, weddings, and children’s haircuts taking place about a month after Passover.
This minor holiday translates to the 33rd day of the Omer. The Omer is a period of restraint during the harvest season between the holidays of Passover and Shavuot. Anthropologists say that many peoples have similar periods of restraint in the early spring to symbolize their concerns about the growth of their crops.
The most often cited explanation for the Jewish practice of Lag Ba’Omer comes from the Talmud, which tells us that during this season a plague killed thousands of Rabbi Akiva‘s students because they did not treat one another respectfully. On Lag Ba’Omer the deaths ceased.
Did you know that marrying into a family that Turkey Trots is one of the greatest phobias among American youth?
Instead of worrying about forced family fun, why not try celebrating Lag Ba’Omer by getting hitched, dancing with abandon around a bonfire, or giving your toddler a haircut.
