RATLINKS NOT SO DEFINITIVE QUARANTINE RECAP
May 2020: Fired vs Ferrari
THE NOT SO DEFINITIVE QUARANTINE RECAP
April’s edition of RatLink discussed Demolition Man, a film that best exemplifies the coronavirus crisis we face today.
As spring arrives, we all look forward to exiting isolation to see what our Brave New World looks like. Since it’s been 6-8 weeks since you last saw anyone outside your quaran-team. It feels appropriate to check-in with the world outside your bubble.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? OH, YOU’RE AT HOME
Just a few months ago, the news was abuzz over the presidential contenders (remember them) battling for a shot to unseat President Donald J. Trump.
One Democratic hopeful, Andrew Yang ran with the slogan MATH (Make America Think Harder). Part of Yang’s platform was the “Freedom Dividend” a plan to give every American adult $1,000 per month paid for through a 10 percent value-added tax (VAT) on goods and services. Yang’s fans banded together as a sort of “Yang Gang” while critics laughed at him for proposing universal basic income. Writing his plan off as socialism.
It is not news to anyone that COVID-19 and the resulting shelter in place orders have limited consumer demand turning the hospitality and leisure industries upside down. With everyone quarantined at home, the economy slowed, leading to a spike in unemployment and wreaking havoc on the 69% of American families who have on average less than $1,000 in savings.
In March 2020, Washington came to the rescue with a $2 trillion dollar bailout called the CARES ACT. Within the CARES ACT was the KEEPING AMERICAN WORKERS PAID AND EMPLOYED ACT that provided $1,200 to individuals who make under $100,000 a year.
The CARES ACT ended up creating perverse incentives. The $1,200 checks were supposed to help Americans during troubled times but in actuality led to a nationwide boom in the purchase of wild cats for tiger petting. The paycheck protection plan (PPP) was designed to protect employees at small and local businesses but ended up bailing-out corporate America as large publicly traded restaurant groups like Ruth’s Chris, Potbelly, and J Alexander all took funds.
What’s next?
The government helping cruise liners because they are TOO FUN TO FAIL or providing funding to hotels as the lender to the last resorts.
A TREMENDOUS JOB
President Trump (seen below with his team of experts) is working tirelessly to keep America safe. White House officials say Trump works so hard, he often misses lunch
In addition to running the country and fighting the “invisible enemy”, Mr. Trump hosts almost daily rambling multi-hour press conferences. These press conferences provide important COVID information and updates such as: "Today I spoke with Wolfgang Puck."
If you can’t tune in daily or can’t find a channel that airs these press conferences you have likely missed some gems from your favorite President.
Mr. Trump has been frank
Mr. Trump has been aware
Mr. Trump has offered up new ideas for treatment
Mr. Trump has wondered why people don’t understand comedy
Mr. Trump melted down but who hasn’t freaked at least once during the quarantine?
I JUST FLIPPED THE SWITCH
What if I told you there was an app that is essentially spyware created for the purpose of allowing unknown parties to listen to and view everything you do on your phone.
Would you install it?
Probably not, right?
But, what if it was part of the China Eavesdrop Dance Challenge!
CHILL WITH THE NETFLIX
By this point, you have finished the internet and consumed all the #CONTENT.
Heck, you went so far as to watch an entire season of Rust Valley Restorers, a show about repairing old cars in British Columbia.
You: OK, I am totally done with Joe Exotic and his band of meth-fueled zoo employees. We are just beating a dead cat here.
TikTok: Did someone say Carole Baskin Challenge?
If you are not over Tiger King, check out Ratlinks: What’s Up Doc Antle
EATING ALL THE THINGS
There are two types of people in quarantine:
Those who found the kitchen and found themselves
With all this time at home, I finally learned to cook. I’m basically a chef now.
Even when you can go back to restaurants I’m still going to make banana bread, muffins or use my sourdough starter at least once a week. #EatPrayLove
At this point, anything is technically a meal
I ate ice cream for lunch today.
IT’S 5 O’CLOCK SOMEWHERE
This traditional phrase roughly translated into “don’t judge my life choices” but thanks to COVID-19 airport rules are now in effect because if you don’t know what day it is, you can’t debate what time it is.
The question is now how many beers are too many beers? Asking for a friend who is up to ~6 a day
A note of caution. The Quarantine-15 is real and exactly like the freshman-15. However, you have a much lower chance of shedding the weight now that you are years removed from college and because you actually put on the COVID-19.
LET ME GET A SWEAT IN
While stuck inside, some have shunned sugar and alcohol in order to perfect that quarantine-bod.
3,000 people live-streamed a workout class proving there is no bikini off-season
25,000 people joined a Peloton ride, with over half the group high fiving Dr. Richard Tickle.
Where were you on the leaderboard?
TIE DYE
You have two options: tie-dye your own sweatshirt or buy one for $300
While $300 seems expensive especially for a sweatshirt that looks like a cheerios box, the government did just give you and your boyfriend each $1200. Obviously, you guys pooled the money. Spending $2000 on a baby tiger. Leaving you with a combined $400. Go on and get the sweatshirt. Then let him spend $100 on something he really wants.
OH YOU THINK YOU FAMOUS
Congratulations! After spending the past 6 weeks working with a zoom tutor. You now speak passable French, bake your own croissants, and casually smoke. Once quarantine is lifted, you are so on the next flight to Paris but until then you have to settle for your budding artist boyfriend, drawing you like one of his French girls.
Thoughts and prayers (#Ts&Ps) go out to everyone affected by COVID-19, especially our celebrities, who are trapped in one of their many homes with only one chef. At least there is one thing we can all agree on. If you show COVID symptoms you should not expect a test unless you are a celebrity. Then you will be given priority testing. In fact, we must test all celebrities. Even those in perfect health. It not only creates an outlet for exposure but also alerts us that our favorite stars are safe.
Please keep Leonardo DiCaprio in your Ts & Ps, it wasn’t enough that he once sacrificed himself by giving up his spot on some driftwood to save his girlfriend Rose after their cruise liner sank.
No, Leo hasn’t been stricken with coronavirus, but he is in quarantine with his current girlfriend who appears to be aging daily.
