Ratlinks: Summa Summa Summertime
Summertime and the livin is supposed to be easy
CRUEL SUMMER
Summer is here and we all know what that means.
The days are getting longer, the nights are getting hotter and you are likely stuck inside watching Summer House reruns.
Just because we are living in the middle of a global pandemic doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself but I’m not going to sugar coat it. The summer share with 16 of your besties and at least 8 randoms isn’t happening this year. It’s going to be ok, really. In a few months, you will finally get over all the missed photo-ops at Gurneys or Surf Lodge.
Let’s shake off the summertime sadness and come along as RatLinks shows you how to live your best life this season because the pool is warm, the rose is cold, and even if you don’t have the best summer ever, at least you can make all your followers peanut butter and jealous.
BEACH BOYS
How are you feeling these days? More importantly, are you beach body ready?
Before you step out and work on your tan, you better be!
Ideally, you started this process months ago, putting in work on the peloton or in the #HomeGym.
Did you forget to work out? What else were you doing? Don’t say spending your time wearing peloton shorts while stress-eating. Lucky for you, it might not matter.
That is because performance is measured in two ways:
Absolute
Relative
Do you play golf?
No?
Are you a middle-aged white man who works in finance?
No?
Does it matter?
No.
Let’s still use a golf analogy.
Absolute performance is going out and playing the best round of your life. On a relative basis that best round may be viewed as subpar when compared against others in your group.
Said differently, absolute performance stands on its own, like the Jordan Flu Game. On a relative basis, you don’t have to be the best just better than everyone around you, like the Jordan Flu Game.
3 MINUTE ABS
After months of working out you look and feel your best. Your post-quarantine-revenge-body elicits immediate reactions. Every one of your insta posts is immediately flooded with comments by your besties saying how good you look and as much as you say you hate it, you can’t stop the dick pics from sliding into your DMs.
If you are relatively self-conscious, remember you don’t have to look like a supermodel you just have to be slightly better than a group of peers. As behavioral scientist, Dan Ariely, states in his book Predictably Irrational - if you’re trying to get someone’s number at the bar, you’d be best served by going with someone who looks like a slightly uglier version of yourself.
The experiment known as the Keynesian beauty contest further proved the concept.
Imagine a newspaper game in which the competitors have to pick out the six prettiest faces from 100 photographs, the prize being awarded to the competitor whose choice most nearly corresponds to the average preferences of the competitors as a whole: so that each competitor has to pick, not those faces that he himself finds prettiest, but those that he thinks likeliest to catch the fancy of the other competitors, all of whom are looking at the problem from the same point of view (Keynes, General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money, 1936).
Now that you understand this concept can you explain Khloe Kardashian on a relative and absolute basis?
I LIKE GIRLS THAT WEAR ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH
The hard work in the gym and the thirst trap posts are finally paying off. Your calendar is full of the season’s hottest zoom meetups.
Wait you actually got invited to an event IRL? How 2019 of you!
What do you bring?
Who do you wear?
Are you really even ready to venture out into the real world?
Before you step out, remember you need to wear a mask almost everywhere.
If you don’t think you need a mask, you are wrong. You do. You aren’t special, you don’t own the supermarket, your name isn’t Harris Teeter.
Selecting the right mask is important. A mask should be an extension of your individuality and make a statement.
Clothing company calinY profiled in Ratlinks: How The West Was Fun was early to the trend with their kerchiefs.
Masks are not only functional but can also scream:
“I want to flatten the curve while also looking like a picnic table.”
If the tablecloth isn’t your preferred pattern, below are a few other RatLinks approved masks:
Show COVID-19 that you are a slave to no one with an It’s Britney Bitch mask.
In the mood for more Britney content check out the RatLink's profile: What’s Up Doc Antle.
Are you into light bondage, but also need to pick up some things for dinner? Release the gimp!
BACKYARD BBQ
Hooray! You made it out of the house and to a pool party. It’s probably been a while since you have been out in public. Let’s get some ground rules set.
First, make sure your outfit is on point. You want to look good but also stay safe. One obvious option - the trikini.
Next, everyone knows the pool isn’t really for cooling off or exercise. The pools main purpose is as a place to be photographed on one of this seasons hottest floats.
Be forewarned.
Don't even think of riding a swan float this season. Stop it right now.
Instead, go to the kitchen get a knife and put that swan out of its misery.
If you want that social media clout, you must instead opt for something that screams I am playful, cute but also a little lazy like THE SLOTH.
SONG OF THE SUMMER
The BBQ is going great, it is crowded but not packed. Ideally fewer than 25 people #Test&Trace
You are so ready to swim (read: pose on an inflatable and get all the likes), while hot summer jams play in the background.
Remember the days when there was a song(s) of the summer? When one song dominated the airwaves acting as the soundtrack for the entire season. Every BBQ, every pool party, every everything.
What makes a song of the summer?
To qualify there is only one rule: the track must be an earworm that burrows so deep, that upon hearing it at any point in the future, it transports you back to that one weekend at D’Jais in Belmar with all your boys and your new haircut.
While this summer will likely have a “song of the summer.” A lot has changed in 2020. Previously songs spurred music videos that would help build buzz certifying a hit. Thanks to TikTok, today’s pop music has been turned upside down as viral dances drive what songs make it to the top of the charts.
Be forewarned when you see a group of people huddled in one area, hopefully at an acceptable social distance, they aren’t waiting for food off the grill. Instead, they are likely working on becoming TikTok famous.
Don’t be afraid. Even if you lack rhythm it is not as hard as it looks. Most dances are mainly waving your arms and pushing your hips out a bit but don’t take my word for it.
WHEN I MET YOU IN THE SUMMER
To recap, the formula to have the best summer ever is easy:
Look good on a relative or absolute basis (remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder)
Wear a fashionable mask that shows you know at least 3 TikTok dances
Demand Frose!
Pose only on the hottest floats. The more obscure the animal the better. LLama!!
Last but not least
Unless you are explicitly instructed, never-ever touch the grill
