RATLINKS: HOLIDAY EXTRAVAGANZA
COMMERCIALIZATION OF CALENDAR | KEYMAN PART II
SEASONS CHANGE WITH THE SCENERY
As the year winds down, it makes sense to take time to reflect.
Every year is different and special, but also quite a bit the same. The year has a certain cadence to it, thanks to the commercialization of the calendar.
The year starts with New Years Day full of college football, bloody marys, and brunch. Next is Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays now collectively known as Presidents’ Day celebrating mattress sales. Only a few days later February begins and your focus shifts to your love of chocolate.
Depending on if a groundhog sees its shadow, Spring is sprung somewhere between March and April. Summer begins (un)officially with Memorial Day, middles a few weeks later on July 4th, and ends the first Monday in September with Labor Day. Back to school gives way to spooky season, ushered in with the pumpkin spice harvest and the film Hocus Pocus.
Fall is basically over by Thanksgiving, but do you even notice while managing the anxiety around marrying into a family that turkey trots. Before you can even put down the drumstick it is the most wonderful time of the year with Black Friday sales which actually started at the end of October to really get you in the Christmas spirit. Finally, New Year’s Eve marks the official end of the calendar year and we start the year anew.
"Remember the attack on 'Merry Christmas'? They're not attacking it anymore — everyone's happy to say it. That was under siege. ... Now they're all putting up 'Merry Christmas' again. And that's because — only because — of our campaign."
- Donald J. Trump 7/31/18
HAZY SHADE OF WINTER
As the year ends it is always worth reviewing a few big stories of the year
People are way over tiger king
Britney Spears is free. Paris Hilton is married. Lindsay Lohan is acting again.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t selected as the permanent host of The Bachelor but starting next month I will be doing the next best thing - launching a new podcast. Episodes will be out sometime in 2022 wherever you get your podcasts. Interested in being a guest? Have a product you want to advertise? Reply to this email.
There is only one month left to finish 2021’s resolutions that you likely quit in February. A few loyal readers have continued to master their craft.
To everyone else, we know what type of person you are with your slicked-back hair, white Ferrari, living for New Year’s Eve while eating sloppy steaks.
Don’t fret if 2021 wasn’t your year, the real meaning of the holidays is to help others while being grateful for what you have. Take some time this holiday season for yourself. If you don’t who will?
Remember the only place people find fulfillment is within themselves. And too often, that’s the last place they look.
KEYMAN
Part I of Key Man can be found here
V.
Monday morning, Josh arrives to the office early for his first day of work. Walking past rows and rows of cubicles he finally arrives at his office. Josh opens the door, immediately noticing a generic motivational poster that says “Dare To Soar” with an eagle in flight. Josh sighs deeply and gets lost for a moment wondering if he wants to work in a place that hangs these types of posters. That is until the silence is shattered by someone screaming Armando you did it again!
Josh gets up and sees a large figure in the cube next to him
Suddenly a giant of a man arises, practically blocking the sun. He reaches out his huge paw and says I’m Armando, I manage investments for The Bull, basically have full discretion over his assets.
Big job for a big man. Josh stammers realizing mid-sentence how weird that sounds.
Luckily for Josh, the awkwardness is averted with Stan Bull charging in.
Armando, I need you to stop trying and start doing.
Buy Shopify for my clients, my family, my friends. I want this to be a core position. Own it everywhere.
Stan pivots and instantly changes his demeanor
Josh! Welcome aboard, we don’t waste time here. Here is a list of suppliers. I expect a few prototypes ready by end of the week. Get to work.
Josh is a ball of nerves unsure of what his actual role is but nods approvingly. Stan mindlessly does the same.
As Stan backs away from both men, he shouts out to Armando:
How much have we bought?
Armando doesn’t want it to appear that he doesn’t have as much discretion as he led on turns his massive frame towards his coworker - Josh, what would you say you do you do here?
I’m building the inedible arrangements business. Josh replies.
Armando now starts nodding, while thinking to himself: Inedible Arrangements??
Both men look at each other
I have assets to buy - Armando exclaims
I have prototypes to build - Josh retorts
They both nod and go their separate ways.
About an hour later, Josh gets to an impasse and isn’t sure how to proceed. He saunters over to Armando’s desk.
Armando, what do you think about a line of products based on puns?
A good steak pun is a rare medium, well done.1 Armando replies
Josh pauses to process and then spitballs back and forth to himself
What do you think about cozy stuffed animals, called pigs in a blanket?
What about frozen moments things like statues of milk pouring into cereal, wine spilling or croissant candles? No that might even be worse.
Maybe some office shtick like computer virus spray.
Armando interrupts Josh mid-stream of consciousness: When you are new to something, you bring an ignorance that can be highly innovative.2
You are wiser than a fortune cookie Armando - Josh says quasi-sarcastically
Whatever you do Josh, do not upset Stan. I once made a trading error and he brought in a bushel of tomatoes and let everyone in the office throw them at me.
VI.
The next day the first package of items come to the office and Josh begins to arrange his inedibles.
Josh thinks this is looking good that is until Armando walks by and scoffs. Josh’s heart sinks and he slinks back to his desk to phone his supplier.
Slowly and clearly Josh explains what he thinks he wants but gets frustrated due to an obvious language barrier. Eventually, he loses his temper yelling into the phone if you mess this up we will never do business again.
The supplier begins to apologize: I will make this right allow me to also send some wafers
Wafers, biscuits, cookies. I really don’t give a hoot. I need INEDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS.
Wafers would be fab. We will send. The supplier says apologetically
Frustrated and desperate to end the call Josh just repeats Wafers would be fab.
After lunch on Thursday, Josh is sitting at his desk when five delivery guys come by each pushing a hand-truck with at least ten boxes stacked up.
What did you order? Armando shouts over the commotion.
I’m not sure? Is this even for me? Josh quizzically replies
Delivery for Josh. Need you to sign here, here, and initial here. One of the delivery guys says as he holds out a paper.
I guess I did order this - Josh opens one of the boxes and takes out what looks like a giant DVD with a bunch of little circuits on it. He looks at the disc and begins to panic.
What did you order and why did you get so many? Armando asks
I have no idea. I thought I was getting some nilla wafers as a goodwill gesture.
Josh is in such a full-on panic doesn’t even notice Stan Bull sneak up behind him. Stan looks past the boxes and right at Armando.
How’s that Shopify looking? Once you get 10 million bought I have another 10 behind it.
Armando freezes like a deer in headlights.
Did he say Shopify? I thought he said Shiba Coin.3
Josh and Armando both look at each other as Josh blurts out WE ARE SCREWED!
We? Speak for yourself, Josh. Don’t bring me into this. You have to present to The Bull tomorrow. I might have accidentally bought a metric ton of a likely worthless joke cryptocurrency, but I’ll figure it out. I can’t get hit with tomatoes again.
I can’t lie to my wife again. Josh weeps into his hands
I guess I can kiss this job goodbye. Armando says finally coming to his senses
The Bull is going to have our balls.
VII.
The next day afraid of the unknown Josh drags himself into work. Armando is busy at his desk, unshaven and disheveled.
Armando, have you been here all night?
Crypto is the future, everything can transact on the blockchain. Armando mumbles robotically
I don’t disagree, Armando, did you see there is a group on the internet trying to buy the Gettysburg Address? Wait I don’t have time for this. What I am going to do with the 100,000 silicon wafers in my office?
Josh if you can figure what to do with $5 million worth of SHIBA INU. I will personally eat each and every one of those chips.
A colleague comes by and beckons Josh to the conference room
Josh takes out a few stuffed animals and arranges them
What is this? The Bull barks out
Well, sir, I thought we could compete against flowers with a line of …
Stan cuts Josh off mid-sentence: Oooh, I get it. I gave you a tight timeline. You knew it would be impossible to get everything done in time so you came up with a joke product to razz me. A classic Josh move.
As I always say the better choice artistically is usually going to be the better choice commercially.4 We need to get this right and that will take some time. Take a few more weeks Josh then really show us what you got. Ok?
Josh has no idea what is happening, but it appears he might make it out of this meeting alive.
The Bull paces around the room a bit then leans in and says Josh what do you think of Armando?
Armando? I think he is great. Really good at managing your money, even better at following directions, sir.
Do you really think that? I am not really sure what he is doing half the time. I demand peak productivity out of everyone. Nothing askew. The problem is even if that 10-cent chip is missing, you can’t sell your $30,000 car.
Mr. Bull, Armando is one of the best, a wealth of information. He makes everyone around him smarter.
Is that right Josh? Name one thing he taught you?
Josh struggles instead spouts something he told Armando: Did you know that a group of people is raising a pool of crypto tokens to purchase the Gettysburg Address?
Is that true? Why are they entitled to purchase it? I don’t care if it is the highest price ever achieved at auction for a book, manuscript, or printed text manuscript. I am going to buy the Gettysburg Address and put it on display in my rumpus room.
Everyone in the room looks at each other unsure if this is really happening until someone yells out - Fore score for Stan Bull.
Josh walks out of the conference room unsure of what just happened. Armando walks over right as the meeting breaks.
Nice knowing ya Josh
I don’t know what happened. I’m not fired and The Bull is going to buy the Gettysburg Address.
Well, I don’t think you are out of the woods yet. It seems your wafer order might have triggered a bigger problem. It seems there now-massive semiconductor shortages and you, my friend might be the cause of it.
No, you can’t blame a global supply chain issue on one person. Can you? Josh blurts out defensively. Now aggravated by Armando, Josh begins to lose his cool.
At least I didn’t buy a meme coin. What is that thing even worth point zero zero zero zero of a dollar? Who would be so stupid to buy something worth that little?
Wait a second, did you say fours zeros, Josh? When I bought these coins there were at least five zeros before the significant figure.
Armando runs over to his computer pulls up a chart and screams
WE’RE ALL GONNA MAKE IT!
Rick Rubin